you brought me back to that place in my heart I thought was gone

So my feelings and trust were betrayed in a very big way this week. And I was angry. But it's not personal and I can't decide if that's better or worse. This is the same treatment everyone receives, the only difference is that I have a hard time expecting or believing that someone is capable of that level of disrespect or deceit, and the depth of my feelings were quite a bit deeper because of it.

But in all reality, my anger has shifted to the sad realization that the friendship I hoped could exist, cannot.

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I don't regret this summer. I regret that you didn't feel you could be honest. That you truly convinced yourself that detachment and deceit are the only ways to feel safe in a relationship. How much I care will never change. But that doesn't mean we can be friends. I need authenticity. And even if that authenticity is a broken, numb and promiscuous authenticity. But - you were manipulative and deceptive. And truthful only when convenient. That is not authentic. I will always care. And I hope one day you realize your capacity to be the great guy you keep telling yourself you are.

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Speaking of no regrets, I saw Eric last night and I realized, in a very big way, that he is an exceptionally amazing person. He was a great friend to me the last two years. While the important element of compatibility wasn't there - I enjoyed getting to know him and loving him. It was not a mistake and I don't regret it. I am excited for the friendship we are about to embark upon.

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I lost a lot in the last three years. And struggling in ways I didn't know I could. But painful and heartbreaking as that path was, it led me here. I actually can be the friend Jeannie deserves. I can be alone with myself and am at peace and am content with where and who I am. I have come along way. A very, very long way. And I am grateful for the people and events that have led me here, troublesome, difficult or otherwise.