i fooled the crowd

The first step is recognizing and acknowledging that you have a problem.

The second step is faith, but in my "12 step program", it is instead, asking for help.

So today, I asked for help.
It wasn't as hard as I imagined. But just as terrifying.

what a beautiful dream

Today I...

...began an amazing new book entitled "Paper Towns"

...enjoyed a memory of Jeannie singing Neutral Milk Hotel to me at the Oregon beach

...confirmed my new roommate

...experienced my first blind date

...embraced the fact that my "plan" is shot to shit

...played with the puppies

...thought about the man my little brother has become

...loved the life I call my own.  

necessary actions taken only so I make myself clear.

"'I'm leaving' said The Fear, dragging his suitcase into the hallway.

'Does this mean I shall be fear-less?' I asked.

'Not quite' said The Fear, 'Apprehension has decided to stay.'

I smiled, wished The Fear well, and watched him nervously open my front door.

'Maybe see you again' he almost smiled, as he headed for the waiting taxi.

'Maybe' I said, not wishing to be rude. And then he was gone. I closed the door, took a deep breath, and smiled [apprehensively]."

-The Fear, A Beautiful Revolution

Some more fun & random things I stumbled upon at http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com/

When I open my eyes, I'm still taken by suprise

A bit better I think.
Change is good. Beautiful. Delicious.




Mmm, mmm, good.

Outcasts and girls with ambition That's what I wanna see

Too pink, I wonder?

you brought me back to that place in my heart I thought was gone

So my feelings and trust were betrayed in a very big way this week. And I was angry. But it's not personal and I can't decide if that's better or worse. This is the same treatment everyone receives, the only difference is that I have a hard time expecting or believing that someone is capable of that level of disrespect or deceit, and the depth of my feelings were quite a bit deeper because of it.

But in all reality, my anger has shifted to the sad realization that the friendship I hoped could exist, cannot.

-----

I don't regret this summer. I regret that you didn't feel you could be honest. That you truly convinced yourself that detachment and deceit are the only ways to feel safe in a relationship. How much I care will never change. But that doesn't mean we can be friends. I need authenticity. And even if that authenticity is a broken, numb and promiscuous authenticity. But - you were manipulative and deceptive. And truthful only when convenient. That is not authentic. I will always care. And I hope one day you realize your capacity to be the great guy you keep telling yourself you are.

-----

Speaking of no regrets, I saw Eric last night and I realized, in a very big way, that he is an exceptionally amazing person. He was a great friend to me the last two years. While the important element of compatibility wasn't there - I enjoyed getting to know him and loving him. It was not a mistake and I don't regret it. I am excited for the friendship we are about to embark upon.

------

I lost a lot in the last three years. And struggling in ways I didn't know I could. But painful and heartbreaking as that path was, it led me here. I actually can be the friend Jeannie deserves. I can be alone with myself and am at peace and am content with where and who I am. I have come along way. A very, very long way. And I am grateful for the people and events that have led me here, troublesome, difficult or otherwise.

the bravest that I've ever been was when I ran away from you

"I can't give you what you want."

It is interesting for me to think about the fact that someone I once held in the highest regard is incapable of giving me this ever illusive, nebulous of a concept, this "what I want."

Honesty.

Respect.

Decency.

Effort.

And once more, just to emphasize the importance:

Honesty.

Respect.

At the end of any day, that's all I really want. From anyone - stranger, parent, lover, friend.

Hold on... Excuse me, allow me to clarify:

Honesty.

Respect.

Decency.

Effort.

This is what I deserve, expect, and demand. This is not a matter of wanting. Wanting indicates that its superfluous or some sort of added benefit.

Honesty.

Respect.

These two concepts are nonnegotiable. There is no reason or excuse big enough to make their lack in my life, or anyone else's, acceptable. These things that seem so often overlooked are the corner stone of humanity. The foundation of friendships and relationships. The essence of love. So you're right. It is "fucking hilarious." Because you lack authenticity in each of those departments.

This is not about me. I am not some emotional wreck. I am not this needy, weak girl you like to think I am. I am immensely stronger than you ever are. I want nothing but beauty and honesty and love in my life. And I am blessed to have all of those things. I will not settle for anything less. And this is everything less.

This incapability of the "fundamentals" is, in one word, disgusting.





Thank you for the closure. If you gave me nothing else, you have given me that.

since better can't be, as friends we'll agree

Bozeman is experiencing the bliss and beauty that is fall. And for once, in a very long while, I remember why I love this town.

Some fun things are going on in my life these days:

1. I got a quasi-promotion at work. I'll be working on a USAID program to begin institutionalizing our hygiene, sanitation, and malaria educational programming in Ministries of Education throughout Africa. I'll be helping manage this (which means travel to Africa is potentially in my future!). I'm terrified and ecstatic. A beautiful mix.

2. I have been working on righting some of my wrongs and mending broken hearts. In two regards, one specifically, it's going beautifully (word of choice today, it seems) well and I am feeling more at peace than I have in years. Another is... at arm's length. Sadly, growth and forgiveness are not linear paths. But love is. And that's enough.

3. While I will walk for graduation in the spring, I will not in fact be graduating. I want to put myself in the best possible place for law and/or grad school and it's looking like I need to retake some classes and focus on continued academic excellence for a few more semesters. So - although not entirely what I had in mind, I do want to have every opportunity available to me (very selfish I realize) and this looks to be the best course of action.

4. I have recently been inspired by the story of Eunice Kennedy and Sargent Shriver. Too often I hear the excuse that there isn't enough time or inspired individuals and then I look to this couple and laugh at the ridiculousness of our generation's assumption. Eunice single handedly developed what is today the Special Olympics. At her house, on her front lawn. Sargent designed the Peace Corps program. He was then appointed as Mr. Poverty after asking Lyndon B. Johnson not to appoint him. In 6 weeks, 6 weeks!, he designed the following programs:
Job Corps
Youth Corps
VISTA (Americorps)
Head Start
Upward Bound
Foster Grandparents
Community Action (think HRDC)
Legal Services
Neighborhood Health Services (Community Clinics)
Indian and Migrant Opportunities

There's always enough time. The power a few committed individuals is not something to be overlooked. Keeping this in mind helps when I come home to an empty house after a 16 hour day. So does all the love and support from my family and friends.

This week has been hard. Really, really hard. But my life is good. Thank you for that.