i fooled the crowd

The first step is recognizing and acknowledging that you have a problem.

The second step is faith, but in my "12 step program", it is instead, asking for help.

So today, I asked for help.
It wasn't as hard as I imagined. But just as terrifying.

what a beautiful dream

Today I...

...began an amazing new book entitled "Paper Towns"

...enjoyed a memory of Jeannie singing Neutral Milk Hotel to me at the Oregon beach

...confirmed my new roommate

...experienced my first blind date

...embraced the fact that my "plan" is shot to shit

...played with the puppies

...thought about the man my little brother has become

...loved the life I call my own.  

necessary actions taken only so I make myself clear.

"'I'm leaving' said The Fear, dragging his suitcase into the hallway.

'Does this mean I shall be fear-less?' I asked.

'Not quite' said The Fear, 'Apprehension has decided to stay.'

I smiled, wished The Fear well, and watched him nervously open my front door.

'Maybe see you again' he almost smiled, as he headed for the waiting taxi.

'Maybe' I said, not wishing to be rude. And then he was gone. I closed the door, took a deep breath, and smiled [apprehensively]."

-The Fear, A Beautiful Revolution

Some more fun & random things I stumbled upon at http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com/

When I open my eyes, I'm still taken by suprise

A bit better I think.
Change is good. Beautiful. Delicious.




Mmm, mmm, good.

Outcasts and girls with ambition That's what I wanna see

Too pink, I wonder?

you brought me back to that place in my heart I thought was gone

So my feelings and trust were betrayed in a very big way this week. And I was angry. But it's not personal and I can't decide if that's better or worse. This is the same treatment everyone receives, the only difference is that I have a hard time expecting or believing that someone is capable of that level of disrespect or deceit, and the depth of my feelings were quite a bit deeper because of it.

But in all reality, my anger has shifted to the sad realization that the friendship I hoped could exist, cannot.

-----

I don't regret this summer. I regret that you didn't feel you could be honest. That you truly convinced yourself that detachment and deceit are the only ways to feel safe in a relationship. How much I care will never change. But that doesn't mean we can be friends. I need authenticity. And even if that authenticity is a broken, numb and promiscuous authenticity. But - you were manipulative and deceptive. And truthful only when convenient. That is not authentic. I will always care. And I hope one day you realize your capacity to be the great guy you keep telling yourself you are.

-----

Speaking of no regrets, I saw Eric last night and I realized, in a very big way, that he is an exceptionally amazing person. He was a great friend to me the last two years. While the important element of compatibility wasn't there - I enjoyed getting to know him and loving him. It was not a mistake and I don't regret it. I am excited for the friendship we are about to embark upon.

------

I lost a lot in the last three years. And struggling in ways I didn't know I could. But painful and heartbreaking as that path was, it led me here. I actually can be the friend Jeannie deserves. I can be alone with myself and am at peace and am content with where and who I am. I have come along way. A very, very long way. And I am grateful for the people and events that have led me here, troublesome, difficult or otherwise.

the bravest that I've ever been was when I ran away from you

"I can't give you what you want."

It is interesting for me to think about the fact that someone I once held in the highest regard is incapable of giving me this ever illusive, nebulous of a concept, this "what I want."

Honesty.

Respect.

Decency.

Effort.

And once more, just to emphasize the importance:

Honesty.

Respect.

At the end of any day, that's all I really want. From anyone - stranger, parent, lover, friend.

Hold on... Excuse me, allow me to clarify:

Honesty.

Respect.

Decency.

Effort.

This is what I deserve, expect, and demand. This is not a matter of wanting. Wanting indicates that its superfluous or some sort of added benefit.

Honesty.

Respect.

These two concepts are nonnegotiable. There is no reason or excuse big enough to make their lack in my life, or anyone else's, acceptable. These things that seem so often overlooked are the corner stone of humanity. The foundation of friendships and relationships. The essence of love. So you're right. It is "fucking hilarious." Because you lack authenticity in each of those departments.

This is not about me. I am not some emotional wreck. I am not this needy, weak girl you like to think I am. I am immensely stronger than you ever are. I want nothing but beauty and honesty and love in my life. And I am blessed to have all of those things. I will not settle for anything less. And this is everything less.

This incapability of the "fundamentals" is, in one word, disgusting.





Thank you for the closure. If you gave me nothing else, you have given me that.

since better can't be, as friends we'll agree

Bozeman is experiencing the bliss and beauty that is fall. And for once, in a very long while, I remember why I love this town.

Some fun things are going on in my life these days:

1. I got a quasi-promotion at work. I'll be working on a USAID program to begin institutionalizing our hygiene, sanitation, and malaria educational programming in Ministries of Education throughout Africa. I'll be helping manage this (which means travel to Africa is potentially in my future!). I'm terrified and ecstatic. A beautiful mix.

2. I have been working on righting some of my wrongs and mending broken hearts. In two regards, one specifically, it's going beautifully (word of choice today, it seems) well and I am feeling more at peace than I have in years. Another is... at arm's length. Sadly, growth and forgiveness are not linear paths. But love is. And that's enough.

3. While I will walk for graduation in the spring, I will not in fact be graduating. I want to put myself in the best possible place for law and/or grad school and it's looking like I need to retake some classes and focus on continued academic excellence for a few more semesters. So - although not entirely what I had in mind, I do want to have every opportunity available to me (very selfish I realize) and this looks to be the best course of action.

4. I have recently been inspired by the story of Eunice Kennedy and Sargent Shriver. Too often I hear the excuse that there isn't enough time or inspired individuals and then I look to this couple and laugh at the ridiculousness of our generation's assumption. Eunice single handedly developed what is today the Special Olympics. At her house, on her front lawn. Sargent designed the Peace Corps program. He was then appointed as Mr. Poverty after asking Lyndon B. Johnson not to appoint him. In 6 weeks, 6 weeks!, he designed the following programs:
Job Corps
Youth Corps
VISTA (Americorps)
Head Start
Upward Bound
Foster Grandparents
Community Action (think HRDC)
Legal Services
Neighborhood Health Services (Community Clinics)
Indian and Migrant Opportunities

There's always enough time. The power a few committed individuals is not something to be overlooked. Keeping this in mind helps when I come home to an empty house after a 16 hour day. So does all the love and support from my family and friends.

This week has been hard. Really, really hard. But my life is good. Thank you for that.

Letters to a Young Poet

It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being, this perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

And one more thing: Don't think that the great love which was once warranted to you when you were a young boy, has been lost; how can you know whether vast and generous wishes didn't ripen in you at that time, and purposes by which you are still living today? I believe that love remains strong and deep in your memory because it was your first deep aloneness and the first inner work that you did on your life.

i can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell

How can the most important, most fundamental part of yourself also be your biggest weakness, your biggest downfall? Maybe that's the catch - learning to harness, to balance its strength against its vulnerability.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I hate my heart today.

And I swear to the stars I'll burn this whole city down

One of my mentors gave me this a few years ago.  In the midst of my cleaning and moving in I stumbled upon it.  When she gave it to me she told me it reminded her of me.  Interestingly enough I didn't agree, but she asked me to keep it in hopes that one day I would.  

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.   I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.  

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bare the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. 

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you source your life form its presence.  

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand still in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else fades away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

you gotta spend some time, love

Speaking of the ocean...I need to make more of an effort to plan for vacations. My first plan: after graduation, I want to go spend a week on the Oregon coast. Rent a beach house. Walk on the beach, rent movies, read, play games, sleep in, breakfast in bed. Yep. That's what I want. I'm making this happen.

what's ours is ours, and ours is secret

C'est officielle!  Je suis une adulte (plus or moins)!   

For those of you that didn't know, I applied for a pretty amazing grown-up job two weeks ago.  

  Had a phone interview two Fridays ago - drove to MT for an in-person interview the following Monday.  Was offered the job last Friday.

I am now the assistant project manager for international development and assistant to the Senior Vice President for the Project Wet Foundation.  Yes, yes - comes with my own personal office and business cards.  Project Wet is a this international non-profit based out of Bozeman.  They create educational models, syllabi, and activities to teach young children about water.  The international work focuses on developing and funding initiatives to educate the children of developing nations about sanitation, hygiene, and water scarcity issues.  There are huge initiatives in Africa (meaning I get to use my French - and keep learning) and Central/South American (meaning I get to start learning Spanish ASAP).

To be honest, I wasn't totally sold on the whole water thing immediately.  I thought on the idea of applying for a couple weeks before I committed.  After talking to a few staff members prior to my application and then again during my interview, I was sold.  Not just on the issue of water in the contemporary world but also on the type of people I'd be working with and for.  I'm also really excited about the educational component.  Education is one of those things that's always sort of spoke to me - that and I find spending time with children incredibly fulfilling. 

 

My boss spoke to one of my references and explained that the reason they hired me was because I was just "so contagious."  It is an incredible feeling realizing that while my resume and work experience got me the interview, that who I am got me the job.  I often fight feelings of foolishness thanks to my enthusiasm and honesty - so being rewarded for it in such away is pretty amazing. 

So in celebration of my new grown-up job I:

Danced around the Senator's office like an idiot and then left early

Bought a 6-pack of my favorite beer, Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat

Finally got around to upgrading my cell phone - and went with a Blackberry!

Spoiled Laia and got her a handful of new toys for her to destroy

Went to PF Chang's with my parents (totally and completely overrated)

Started the next installment from my favorite series

Refused to feel guilty for being lazy

i don't know where i've been but i know where i want to go

I have been obligatorily committed to a lot of things and people since my sophomore year.

It has been so freeing to actively decide to what I want to be committed.

Most days, it's a stupidly hard question.

And other days, I find myself unable to not be commited- that being where I am, doing what I am doing, is, for the first time, in complete alignment with who I am and what I want.

I am making a wish.

Let's make it come true.

these are the days that bring you meaning

I've been all about being sexy, for no one but myself, lately.  One example of this is my new found fetish with night gowns (I just bought 2 more today!).   There's something empowering about crawling into bed thinking "I am beautiful - with or without the nightgown (or man) - but damn!  Hot ass!"  I tend to fall asleep giggling at my childishness - oh, the things I do in the privacy of my own home.

Also - conventionality can kiss my ass.  

And a final note: I refuse to let fear or insecurity win.     

get up, get out, get away from these liars - 'cos they don't know your soul or your fire

I've missed you,
so terribly.







Please don't go anywhere.

i'll hold on if you want me to

Oh my God! Larry King Live is on debating whether or not a missile in Montana was shot down by UFOs! And Bill Nye is on - being his badass self (arguing against UFOs)! Oh lawrdy!

My brother and I were channel surfing, and between my tipsy ass and his highness on pain killers (he just had surgery...) - we start laughing hysterically and yelling (playfully - we're both very vocal) at each other about it - so Mom comes out worried and confused (which then causes her to yell - hence Nic and I's learned loudness) only to then to start an argument with my high brother as to where Area 51 is located (they were both wrong - which they now refuse to admit). Dad comes in oblivious to whatever is going on and turns the T.V. up so loud as to drown our laughing/yelling/cursing out.

Oh a Friday night in the Larrinaga house! For those who have never experienced it... use your imagination. So now...we're watching this ridiculous argument lacking empirical evidence filled with power outages and drunk Airforce men and my brother threatens to "kill me...dead...." if I don't agree with him (I still can't figure out what we're "agreeing" on).

...and now they're slamming on Bill! Damn them! I LOVE BILL! He employs logical and the crazies threaten him. I'm not entirely sure why I find this so entertaining...but I'm dying of laughter...I had to share. Oh how I want to watch an episode of "Bill Nye the Science Guy" again!

you're gonna get what you need

Coming into work today was a joke. My boss left before I even came in today - and I'm in between projects - so I have zero to work on. Half the staff is gone for the day, and the phones are silent. So I get paid to sit on my ass and:

1-look at pictures on facebook
2-read endless amounts of xkcd
3-talk on google chat with Bovard, Landon, and Holly
4-watch pointless news on Obama's exercising habits
5-write on my blog
6-read about the education system crisis and highly debated solutions
7-walk around the building to "stretch my legs"

I need projects. Anything really. Just something to fill the hours and to feel productive. I could never be a stay at home mom or wealthy house wife. I would loose my damn mind. I need to work.

HOORAH....my other boss - I have half a dozen - you know all sorts of efficiency-just reminded me that because I don't actually ever take "official" breaks, that I can leave alot earlier than I normally do!

Say Anything - But Say What You Mean

A Download

So - found out I was hypoglycemic this week. For those that missed out on that - I was having fainting spells, inexplicable feelings of anxiety, generally light headed, shaky, and distracted. Have since adjusted my diet dramatically and feel bounds and leaps better. But it's a process. I can tell I'm not all the way there even as I write this.... Also have started reading about nutrition and looking through cookbooks again. I'm excited to start playing in my kitchen again. Hopefully many of you will find your way to my dining table. Imagining cooking dinners for myself is a bit of a reminder of the stark reality of living alone next year. I look forward to it on many levels - but am willing to admit that it will be terribly difficult and lonely some days.

I've started reading again for pleasure. And pleased I am. I forgot how much time I used to spend in the summers curled up with a book. It's one of the many little things I'm rediscovery in my countless hours spent alone.

In my newly found solitude, I've also had to address my need to learn to entertain myself. Sleeping when I've nothing to do (as my typical coping mechanism during the year) is not an option when I don't have anything to do 4 1/2 days out of the week. It's been remarkably empowering. And it has made spending time with friends that much more enjoyable - I love the company, but am coming to a place where I don't need it.

So my dream job at the university has yet to receive funding. Which is a whole lotta awesome. Part of my thinks about worrying about it - but then I realize doing so will get me absolutely no where. As of now, I'm hoping it'll work out - and if it doesn't - I hope I find something of a better fit. Life has never failed to eventually give me exactly what I need and want - even if it takes ages for me to realize it - so I'm just along for the ride right now. But if you hear of anything I might be interested in - let me know!

Also, after four years, I decided to leave the VOICE Center. Which is a pretty big thing for me. But I've spent the last however many months purging the things that aren't going to lead me to where I want to end up - and sadly, this is one thing that falls into that category. Knowing myself, I'll probably still do the occasional weekend shift, but I'm very much distancing myself to allow more time for things that are an a actual priority for me - instead of things to fill the void.

Speaking of filling the void - I'm so over that. Jesus was that terrible. I'd rather be bored out of my mind or struggle with your endless ability to be difficult, rather than spend another moment on things that don't actually matter to me. Useless progress. Three years full of it. SO over that.

Laia's learning some pretty bad ass tricks (thanks to her bad ass trainer). Right now I have taught her what I call the "Meercat." The next shall be the "Snail" and the "Kangaroo." I'm sad none of my friends know her very well. She's a grump with Matt and no one else has really met her - besides Nick, briefly. And she's not a fan of my brother primarily because he thinks it's fun to make really ridiculously high pitched noises and chase her around the house waving his arms like an idiot. But she's stupidly bright and incredibly mellow. I end each night with her on my feet at the end of my bed as I read. It's a comforting constant. I can already tell she'll be a major reason I (hopefully) stay sane in the coming months...

I'm missing alot of you. I'm missing Montana. For those not in Montana - try and come visit in the coming year. I have an extra room and would like the company.

so that you will know just how i'm deranged

Positive Spin of the Day: "Celebrate Strength Within"

Last night I went to Alive After Five to see The Dodos with Nic. They're pretty much amazing. No - they ARE amazing - think trash can percussion, xylophone melody, and entangling lyrics. Now I'm sitting at work reading their lyrics - yes, I get paid to sit here and read music lyrics - and my rating of them has most definitely increased. Check out - "Men", "Joe's Waltz", or "Fools." These are all from their first album - but still - you get the idea. For all you lovers in Bozeman - they'll be there tomorrow night (July 4th) at The Filling Station.
For a glimpse: http://www.myspace.com/thedodos

Also as a note from recent personal experience - if you ever find yourself at a concert and feel the urge to laugh at or judge those dancing to their own rhythm - don't. They just might be fighting a battle far beyond our understanding.

Things Completed on My List
-Attended a concert
-Planned my day as it unfolded

Things Upcoming from My List
-Idaho Shakespeare Festival
-Movie alone (either "Gone with the Wind" at the Egyptian or Audrey Tautou's new film "Priceless" at The Flicks)

Dear Orthodox - I Can't Control My Feelings

Weekend Escapades
Going to Bozeman this weekend was a fabulously beautiful decision. I haven't laughed that much in ages - laughter to the point of tears is intoxicating - I need to do it more often. Also, Luke is pretty much the bee's knees. It's strange to think about how long I've known him without actually really getting to know him. His genuinity (which is in fact a word - check out the Oxford English Dictionary for proof) is a delicious dash of spice in my life.

My Je Nay Nay
And then there's Jeannie. My Jeannie. It's strange how much you can miss something without actually realizing you miss it. I worry that because it's been so long and there's been so much distance that maybe she won't like me anymore - or that she won't like this person I've become. How 5-year-old does that sound of me? Sadly, it's exactly how I feel. But then I remember why we became friends. How our friendship started. And while many things have changed - that hasn't. Not who we are at our core. I'll still call her (or send her flowers) to make sure she's ok and leave stupidly long friendship/love notes under her windshield wipers. She'll always remind me to stay objective and level headed when I'm worried or upset. She'll play crab-Frisbee and look a fool with me, even when Luke won't. Jeannie - have I told you that I loved you recently? Because I do. Lots and lots. Be sure and put this somewhere in your heart - so when I'm having a shitty moment, you remember. And please, keep pushing me to be a better person. I appreciate it more than I could ever verbalize.



Montana
I am always surprised by the beauty of Montana. Oftentimes, too picturesque for words. I love it. I love being there. I love the smell. I love the night sky. I love the people. I love the simplicity of a lazy day of Frisbee and grilling. I love the way we are when we're there. Moving to Montana was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Secret
I cannot remember a time in recent history I have been so happy to be woken up. And it took an absurd amount of will power not to let it show - I think maybe I should have. The feeling was overwhelming and unexpectedly surprising.

A Chuckle

please know what i mean when i say nothing

Lists - my drug of choice

I've lived in Boise for so long and yet there are so many things I've never done. So in the spirit of living an actionable life, below is a list of stuff off the top of my head I want to do over the course of the next few months. Some are Boise specific - others not so much. But PLEASE - if I'm missing anything truly Boise-esque let me know - I really haven't done alot - and you all seem to have had many adventure in this beautiful town of ours.

Always Wanted To....
Hike to a hot springs

Watch a movie at Satchel's

Tour the penitentiary

Go out to a movie by myself

Have sex in a public place (not like middle of a bar sort of public place - something more discreet where the chances of getting caught are terribly slim - but enough that it's exciting)

Take the bus (to work even?)

Go to a drive-in movie (is it even still around?)

Go running at Camel's Back

Learn to play a little bit of golf (OK - really I'd settle for learning to hit the ball)

Go to the Birds of Prey Center

Go for a drink after work (strange - but I've really never done that)

Watch every movie that has won "Best Picture"


I Can't Remember the Last Time I...
Floated the river

Went to the zoo

Went to the art museum

Drove to McCall (I'm thinking House of Pancakes followed by a bit of canoeing)

Watched the meteor shower in August

Went camping

Went to a Hawk's baseball game

Skinny dipped

Went salsa dancing (with Nic)

Went on rides at the fair (this one's debatable - I sort of hate the fair)

Watched the sunrise

Attended a concert

Watched the Twilight Criterium

Took a stroll through Katherine Albertson

Went ice blocking

Hung out at the Discovery Center (might need 'lil ones for this)

Went to a play at the Idaho Shakespeare Festival

Sat in front of a campfire

Slept beneath the stars

Rode my bike - I have a lot of learning still to do

Planned my day as it happens - not before

Sat in the hot tub

Watched a thunderstorm

Kept my room clean for at least a week



Suggestions?

Plastic Cups and Jumbled Thoughts - Hoorah!

My Plastic Cup of Inspiration
There's this plastic cup on my desk at work called the "Positive Spin." It has three rotating rings on the outside, each with a word or phrase, that when aligned with the other two rings, creates an inspirational/positive phrase. Examples include: "Maximize greatness now!", "Create achievement with enthusiasm", "Inspire strength within"... you get the idea. Everyday I come into work - I pick a new phrase and angle it towards myself. Stupidly cheesy - I realize - but I sort of love this cup. It makes me smile.

My Explosion of Jumbled Thoughts
"Security is an illusion. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

So I have become more and more aware of the fact that in the last couple years I buried myself - almost completely. I can't entirely explain it. I came to the conclusion that being safe and comfortable was paramount and subsequently lost a lot of what makes me, well, me. And I was so miserably unhappy. And I hurt so many people. It's hard to be close to a shell of a person. It's hard to love them -not impossible - as illustrated by a few good souls, but difficult. I lost the thrill. I didn't want to do anything remotely challenging - emotionally or personally - minus school and my professional life. Which would explain the three jobs and 60 hours a week work week coupled with school. But school and work, while I love them both, is not all that I need to be happy, to be fulfilled.

What do I need? Adventures with you, life discourse with you, the privacy of late night honesty with you, reckless abandon with you, room for you to be you, getting to know you, and finding a new friend in you. I need to be OK alone. I need to get what I need by either demanding it, asking for it, or getting it myself - expecting it to just happen is pretty much bullshit. I need to realize it's never personal. I need to remember that love can be transforming. I need to be willing to be scared. I need to accept that I can't control everything. I need to be authentic and honest in my every moment. I need to be willing to laugh more - particularly at my self. I need to be alright with not everyone agreeing or understanding. I need conviction. I need exactly what you are capable of giving me - and nothing more.
I reread this list - and that's a lot to need. Yet, at the same time, not so much. Most of those things I am totally capable of doing - as I have come to realize in the last month and half - I'm just normally too afraid to. And it was that fear led me to where I've been the last couple of years. That fear that broke our friendship, Corinne. That fear that made us "distant friends", Jeannie. That fear that led to my silence, Nick. That fear that led to my hurtful avoidance and denial, Matt. That fear that led you to only see a very compartmentalized side of me, Eric. This last list...the list , is a testament to something of which I am incredibly ashamed. I was so angry when I felt like no one was allowing me to be who I was but at the end of the day, I realized it was really me, not allowing you to be who you are. And I can't apologize for that. "I'm sorry" solves, proves, and illustrates nothing. But change does. And that's where I'm at. Trying to dig myself out of this massive hole I dug. Difficult, yes, but not impossible. My only hope, not even expectation, simply hope, is this: Ne me quitte pas.

My Current Locale

"Sometimes you just gotta say, What the fuck?!"

Cheesy Questionaire

It's questionnaire time - I'm really THAT bored. I figure, if you find yourself as bored as I am - you might appreciate the preoccupation.

[x] Full Name: Amanda - or Sex Goddess, you know, whatever works.
[x] Birthdate: 04-28-1986
[x] Birthplace: Twin Falls, ID
[x] Current Location: Boise, ID
[x] Eye Color: From far away I think they look gray, up closer greenish
[x] Hair Color: Depends on my dye of choice. These days, dark brown.
[x] Righty or Lefty: Right.
[x] Zodiac Sign: Taurus.
[x] Innie or Outtie: Somewhere in the middle.
-----------------DESCRIBE------------------
[x] The Clothes you wore today: New capris, white tee, and my favorite necklace.
[x] The shoes you wore today: Teva flip flops.
[x]Your fears: Being alone.
-----------------WHAT IS------------------
[x] Your most overused phrase: "Yeah?", "I mean, really", "ugh" .
[x] Your thoughts first waking up: You've got be fucking kidding me.
[x] The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Eyes.
[x] Your best physical feature: My collar bone or my feet.
[x] Your bedtime: 11ish or on a good night 5am.
[x] Your most missed memory: My grandfather.
-----------------YOU PREFER------------------
[x] Pepsi or coke: Coke, Diet and caffeine free preferably.
[x] McDonald's or Burger King: I'm more of a Wendy's girl, but I'll settle for McD's.
[x] Single or group dates: Group dates that end with the evening alone together.
[x] Adidas or Nike: Adidas - unless they're fans of child labor as well, then neither.
[x] Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate, every time
[x] Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee, iced
-------------DO YOU------------------
[x] Smoke: Used to when I was drunk - not so much these days.
[x] Cuss: Yes, at totally inappropriate moments.
[x] Take a shower everyday: Yes, most times twice.
[x] Have a crush(es): You could say that.
[x] Do you think you've been in love?: Most definitely.
[x] Want to go to college: If I felt like I made a difference as an academic I'd stay in school forever.
[x] Like high school: Meh... met some amazing people, but besides that, not so much.
[x] Want to get married: More than most things in life.
[x] Type fingers on the right keys?: Hell no. I make it up and get nervous if people watch me.
[x] Believe in yourself: Most of the time. But I'm vulnerable to what others think on occasion.
[x] Get motion sickness: Used to. Have some pretty intense coping mechanisms, so not much anymore.
[x] Think you're attractive: Cute, maybe. I tend to think my personality's a better selling point.
[x] Think you're a health freak: Wish I was more so, working on it.
[x] Get along with your parents: Yes, but that doesn't mean they don't drive me nuts.
[x] Like thunderstorms: Very few things are as beautiful.
[x] Play an instrument: No. I'm toying with the idea of learning to play the piano next year, we'll see where that goes.
------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID:/:HAVE YOU--------------
[x] Go to the mall: Nope, but am going tomorrow.
[x] Eaten sushi: Yes, and got sick. Lameness.
[x] Been on stage: Nope.
[x] Had sex: Yes.
[x] Been dumped: As a friend, yes.
[x] Dumped someone: Nope.
[x] Masturbated: Sadly no, that actually just came to my attention... sad.
[x] Gone skating: No.
[x] Made homemade cookies: Nope.
[x] Dyed your hair: Nope.
[x] Stolen anything: No - but I like to.
-------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
[x] Flown on a plane: Yes/
[x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Sort of.
[x] Cried during a Movie?: I've been a big cry baby lately...so, yes.
[x] Cried during a song? (what songs?): Yep. And I'm pretty sure it was a country song I found while channel surfing.
[x] Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
[x] Been caught masturbating?: Ha. No, but close. I have been caught having sex. Trust me - not funny at the time, but give it like... 5 years, and it's fucking hilarious.
[x] Gotten beaten up?: No.
[x] Been in a fight: Not a physical one.
----------------THE FUTURE------------------
[x] Age you hope to be married: When I'm ready.
[x] Number of Children: While I'd prefer to adopt, as many as I'm meant to have. At least a couple - I like variety.
[x] Describe your Dream Wedding: Somewhere honest. Surrounded by my family and friends. My only big "dream" thing is that I'd like to get married in the dress my grandmother wore - my aunt is keeping it for me.
[x] How do you want to die?: Surrounded by my loved ones, at home.
[x] What do you want to do as a career: An agent of change - cliche but true.
[x] What country would you most like to visit?: Ireland, but there's a list.
-----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------
[x] Best eye color: Blue.
[x] Best hair color: I feel like answering this question would be too revealing.
[x] Short or long hair: Not too long, not too short. But I will admit I have come to realize that short can grow on me.
[x] Best height: Taller than me. But not too tall.
[x] Best weight: Big enough that I feel wrapped up when they hold me.
[x] Best date location: Somewhere casual with the flexibility to do whatever.
[x] Best kiss location: I'm assuming physical location on a person - behind the ear, on the neck, the shoulder...actually I'm a huge fan of kissing.. or at least kissing certain people.
-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------
[x] Number of people I could trust with my life: 4.. of those, two are my parents.
[x] Number of CDs that I own: CDs are overrated - so less than a dozen.
[x] Number of piercings: I'm cutting down. I'm at 4 right now.
[x] Number of tattoos: None. Can't find anything I love enough to make that sort of commitment.
[x] Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Meh - enough. I hate that sort of attention.
[x] Number of scars on my body: Very few except on my back, which I tend to cover up.
[x] Number of things in my past that I regret: Enough.
----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
[x] Wearing: Same thing minus the white shirt thanks to spilled Merlot.
[x] Drinking: The evil Merlot that ruined my shirt.
[x] Thinking about: You
[x] Listening to: The sound of grease sizzling on the stove - the Pops is cooking.
---------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
[x] Cried: Nope.
[x] Worn jeans: Yes.
[x] Met someone new online: No - I don't really do that very often, at all.
[x] Done laundry: Hell no. I hate laundry - wish it'd do itself.
[x] Drove a car: Yep.
[x] Talked on the phone: Briefly with my NEW landlord! Definitely just put down a deposit!
---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
[x] Yourself: Most days.
[x] Your friends: Yes, always - someone has to.
[x] Santa Claus: More like the spirit of Christmas.
[x] Destiny/Fate: I don't know if that's what I'd call it - but something along those lines.
[x] God: The jury's out - but I am most definitely spiritual.
--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
[x] Do you ever wish you had another name?: Sometimes, Amanda's kinda boring. Amaia would be my choice.
[x] Who have you known the longest of your friends?: Chris Ullery.
[x] Are you close to any family member?: Yes, my parents and brother. And as close as I can be to Irene and my grandmother.
[x] When have you cried the most?: When I thought I lost you.
[x] What's the best feeling in the world?: When the simple little things are enough.
[x] Worst Feeling?: Wondering if it'll ever be enough.
[x] What time is it now?: 6:40 pm

FYI

I can be a selfish bitch. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Laughter

Things that have made me chuckle recently:

That a bus driver in Illinois had his name legally changed to "In God We Trust"

A handful of totally inappropriate dead baby jokes

Laía's clumsiness

Gossip I hear about myself (that's more of an irritated chuckle)

That McCain promised to veto every beer

That I'm toying with the idea of getting drunk before I get a Brazilian tomorrow

The fact that I'm getting a Brazilian

That my brother has started singing "Sexy Back" every time he leaves the house, for no apparent reason

Most Calvin and Hobbes - this one is my favorite for today:



My continual lack of sleep

Drunk karaoke at Terry's on State (anyone from Boise should appreciate it's classiness)

Watching the first season of Californication... again

And of course, you.

School

A teacher suggested that I look into Seattle University's law school earlier this semester. She said it "just screamed Amanda." So I did. And I've fallen in love. It has an absurd emphasis on service and justice. Great abroad programs. Great externship programs. And it's in Seattle. They even have an emphasis in inequality and poverty law. It's delicious. It's also, almost $100,000 for three years (tuition only). Yeah. A bit of hefty price tag. And based on the kind of law I'm interested in - it's unlikely I'll ever be a six figure income kind of girl. So how does one begin to justify that sort of decision?

Can I do what I want and lead the professional life I'd like without further education? Or is my glass ceiling dropped even further without expertise or specialization? Will waiting to finish school limit my ability or interest to do it in the future?

I feel a really strong connection to the program, but I can't give alot of articulate, intellectual reasoning as to why. That's not true... I do. Just not the complete certainty of "I want to be a lawyer when I grow up!" How did you all decide what you wanted to be when you grow up? Was there ever a question?

Updates and the Like

I hate doing weird updates when I see people. It's like exaggerated, obligatory small talk - and that is terribly painful. See here you have it.

So...
I have a new fur child. She's a Golden Retriever and Australian Shepperd mix. She has one blue eye, one brown. She's uncoordinated and ridiculous. Her name is Laía-which means spade (or as it were, shovel) in Basque.

I am working for Sen. Mike Crapo's office. And I really, really like it. I love the people here - it's alot of fun and they're incredibly articulate and interesting. And to be honest, it's good for me to really learn that different is not necessarily bad. I also end up getting to watch the news all day and read about endless issues that constituents call about - so I'm feeling pretty savy about different domestic issues. I wish international news were easier to access and dissect - I struggle trying to figure out how to read through the bullshit.

I start at the Idaho Human Rights Education Center tomorrow. This week is an Institute for educators to learn to teach classes about different human rights issues across the globe - so it should be interesting to say the least.

I've been spending alot of time with my family and it's been really, really nice. It's nice being in a place where I feel safe to be whoever I am, knowing they'll still love me, even if who I am sucks sometimes.

Matt and I are talking again. And spending time together, again. It's nice. Scratch that - I overuse that adjective - and what does that even mean? It's refreshing. And terrifying. And most importantly, fun.

I feel alive. I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm thoughtful. I'm confused. I haven't really felt this way in... well, a really, really long time. I forgot how to have fun. So I'm rediscovering it.

New Beginnings

For the first time, in a very, very long time I have started to remember who I am. Not what I do or what I care about - or any of the other layers I hide beneath - but who I am under it all - who I am at my core. And it feels great. Amazing. Enthralling. I'm laughing again and happy just in to be in the present moment. There are a handful of reasons why but I think the biggest reason is that I've come to place where I feel comfortable again to accept the risk. The risk of living, the risk of loss, the risk of pain. I've even started crying again.